unexpected

Well yesterday was a bit of a crazy day for a couple reasons. Yesterday Lubbock was declared in a state of emergency for flooding and achieved an all time record for rain fall in a 24 hour period of time. I don't know what the final count was but at the 9pm news that I caught while visiting my parent's house we were already over 6" and a stronger storm cell was still moving over. The roads were amazing. Cars stalled out all over the place and several inches of water covering especially the the far right lanes. Here's the thing with Lubbock, it's in the middle of the plains and this part of the south plains is about as flat as any place in the world it's also incredibly dry (most of the time). So when the rain falls the only place for water to collect is in the roads. We also don't have lakes or rivers to transport rainwater elsewhere so 6" becomes a disaster. At least most people don't have basements that so easily flood, unlike in the north. I went to Wal-Mart this afternoon to find cheap furniture and 75% of their parking lot was more then 4" submerged. Amazing. To add to things, yesterday was the 3rd or 4th consecutive day of rain and though it didn't rain much today we have high chances of rain over the next couple days. So chances are we'll stay flooded for a while.

The second crazy thing to happen yesterday was I got a promotion at work. I had an evaluation scheduled with my supervisors (the administrators at the shelter) and had been preparing myself all day for a bit of a gripe session of them calling me out on slacking (they have video cameras everywhere so nothing I do goes unnoticed). As I sat down they opened the floor up for me to make suggestions, since I had worked there a couple years ago, to make comments of current employees or just how I felt everything was going. I gave my concerns about lack of training, leaderships,for a person with additional training to be shift leader keeping everyone on task and coordinating on the job training. They offered me the job. Easy as that. How do I always find myself in positions of leadership? It stresses me out but lets be honest, I secretly enjoy the work load and responsibility.

Today was less exciting. A bit of a soul searching day. No work just a meeting to pick up a paycheck and my new position was announced to the group. I will start that on Monday. After the meeting I came home to work on the apartment a little bit, eat queso, then I found myself doing some serious prayer time. I think I'm ready for surgery, disk replacement, if my PCP will recommend that to the insurance.

I really do love my life. Even if I have down moments or bad news, the overall thread of my life is adventure and joy. I'm bothered but not destroyed at the moment and that's okay. I've been in this place before. It's all part of starting over in a new (or old) place.

I know very few people actually read this but it helps me to process through writing and I like to have a record of life. The Internet just makes that easier.

home...

Well Lubbock, you got me back. I hope you're proud. You suckered another one who went away back into your limits.

I've been back in this city for 3 full weeks now. In that time I have returned to my old job at the Children's Shelter working too hard for too little pay, I have gotten all but kicked out of my parent's house for being me, settled into an efficiency apartment, seen the Physical Therapist 8 times, gotten an MRI, seen my primary doctor and an orthopedic surgeon, and put in four applications for part time work at coffee shops just to make ends meet with this Master's degree load of loans.
I'm exhausted and frustrated. I'm lonely and not interested in going out much. My personal pace is slower probably because of the back so I feel like even though I don't go to work until 3pm everyday I never can managed to get the things done that I really want to.

Yesterday the bad news about my medical condition hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I was left feeling more alone then ever. I cried when I got to my car realizing that the rest of my life will be affected my this condition. Here's what I know, L4 (second to lowest disk) is arthritic. L5 (lowest disk) is desiccated (dried up, shriveled, and dead) and additionally L5 has a paracentral disk protrusion more commonly referred to as a bulging disk. My PCP has made a note on the MRI report to refer me to a neurosurgeon. I haven't gotten to meet with him directly yet.

I'm not as down as this report may sound. I just don't have good words to describe how I feel. In part I wonder why my body has betrayed me. Why my back acts like I'm 60+ while in reality I'm just a kid, just 22. I wonder what God is up to. Doesn't he want me to be healthy and go to Latin America and serve? I wonder why He has allowed this and how it will impact the work that I will be able to do. I wonder also what blessings may come through this "limitation." What people now will I be able to identify with? What new forms of relating or working will I develop to compensate?
It's true that I am sad. But I'm not mad. I am frustrated. But I'm also mostly just wondering about my future and how this changes things. I'm thinking a lot about the future as I try to decide what type of surgery I should get and if I should try to wait or just go for it. I'm thinking a lot about running. Do I want to try to run one more long race before I completely loose that ability or will it just rush in the inevitable "next flair-up" that will be 100X worse than the past one. And in this place of wondering I will remain for a while and at least until Tuesday when I again meet with my primary doctor who will make recommendations on my next steps.

I appreciate prayers but I already know my life is cradled in God's hands and I have nothing to fear. My life is His and not my own. May these things be according to His will. Blessings and peace to you my friends.