home...

Well Lubbock, you got me back. I hope you're proud. You suckered another one who went away back into your limits.

I've been back in this city for 3 full weeks now. In that time I have returned to my old job at the Children's Shelter working too hard for too little pay, I have gotten all but kicked out of my parent's house for being me, settled into an efficiency apartment, seen the Physical Therapist 8 times, gotten an MRI, seen my primary doctor and an orthopedic surgeon, and put in four applications for part time work at coffee shops just to make ends meet with this Master's degree load of loans.
I'm exhausted and frustrated. I'm lonely and not interested in going out much. My personal pace is slower probably because of the back so I feel like even though I don't go to work until 3pm everyday I never can managed to get the things done that I really want to.

Yesterday the bad news about my medical condition hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I was left feeling more alone then ever. I cried when I got to my car realizing that the rest of my life will be affected my this condition. Here's what I know, L4 (second to lowest disk) is arthritic. L5 (lowest disk) is desiccated (dried up, shriveled, and dead) and additionally L5 has a paracentral disk protrusion more commonly referred to as a bulging disk. My PCP has made a note on the MRI report to refer me to a neurosurgeon. I haven't gotten to meet with him directly yet.

I'm not as down as this report may sound. I just don't have good words to describe how I feel. In part I wonder why my body has betrayed me. Why my back acts like I'm 60+ while in reality I'm just a kid, just 22. I wonder what God is up to. Doesn't he want me to be healthy and go to Latin America and serve? I wonder why He has allowed this and how it will impact the work that I will be able to do. I wonder also what blessings may come through this "limitation." What people now will I be able to identify with? What new forms of relating or working will I develop to compensate?
It's true that I am sad. But I'm not mad. I am frustrated. But I'm also mostly just wondering about my future and how this changes things. I'm thinking a lot about the future as I try to decide what type of surgery I should get and if I should try to wait or just go for it. I'm thinking a lot about running. Do I want to try to run one more long race before I completely loose that ability or will it just rush in the inevitable "next flair-up" that will be 100X worse than the past one. And in this place of wondering I will remain for a while and at least until Tuesday when I again meet with my primary doctor who will make recommendations on my next steps.

I appreciate prayers but I already know my life is cradled in God's hands and I have nothing to fear. My life is His and not my own. May these things be according to His will. Blessings and peace to you my friends.