Eu Sou Muito Amavi

Today I found this picture and received a package of all the things I miss most about being home (minus the people I love) from my co-workers. I feel loved.

Searching (for real this time)

Disclaimer before reading: In this blog I will refer to being a Christian as being married to Christ. Please do not suppose I have taken vows of any sort particularly to celibacy. I have in fact vowed to abstinance before marriage and faithfulness in marriage but not to celibacy, poverty, or obedience. Also this article might make more sense if you take the time to read the other two articles on searching. They give this one a bit of context. Begin reading: Because of my upbringing I was destined to an arranged marriage to Christ; I did have some freedom however as to what age I would be when that took place. It happened on the side of a mountain in the chilly evening of July 31, 1997. I was 11. As might be expected of any new bride I was anxious to know everything I could about my new love and reciprically I shared with Him everything I knew to about myself. Through the early years that excitement began to pale into my desireing a longer leash to discover who I was apart from this arranged marriage partner. This phase occurred while I was still in High School. I wanted not only to know myself but to know what life was like not being yoked in marriage. But the most peculiar thing is everytime I began to walk away, He was right there with me as if my Lover wanted nothing more than to be always by my side. And so I learned to live with him. But not only did I learn to tolerate His presence, I began to learn to truly love him. I began to cling to His side and follow him wherever the lead me. And when I wasn't following Him and I relapsed into doing my own selfish things, they were completely devoid of meaning. I now not only loved my Lover but also I learned to love the things He loves. This journey or search has obviously taken many different forms. To China, to sit at the feet of LCU Bible and Missions professors, to South Plains, to Pine Springs, to other mountains and nature settings, to South Plains Children's Shelter, to Chicago, to the back of a motorcycle, to "seminary," to various friendships, to Via Christus, and to Brazil. Through these events and other experiences I'm trying to learn from my Lover what it is He is passionate about so I too can be passionate about those things and spend my life working in love and harmony with Him. Again and again I have been pulled into Isaiah, Hosea, Amos, Micah, Habakkuk, and the Gospels. I have called out many times, What do you want from my life Lord? And His response comes back as to "sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow Me" (Lk 18:22). But I try to follow my Lord without first dealing with my material belongings and that buys me four months of following my Love in Brazil. I know however that because I have not completely followed the command I must return to the life I left and the debt and responsibilities attatched to my name. I am greatful to get to return to my friends and mentors and hopefully they will be able to encourage me to more fully follow this command. But my Lord's command is not so vague as to follow into the unknown. He has told me what He wants of me and what He will lead me into. That is, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8). And more direct commands can be found in Isaiah and Amos (and many other places). Now that I know what my Love wants from me, upon returning to the States from this honeymoon I will make the necessary preparations to follow through on his commands. That means not accummulating more debt, and as quickly as possible laboring for my freedom from debt. I am like Gomar, the prostitute of Hosea. I have forsaken my true love for the comfort and convenience of being self-serving and making for myself a home in this world. The child I have born through this prostitution is my debt. But fortunately my Lover is kind and good in correcting me and my poor choices. I must now deal with this child, debt, most severely. And until I deal with it and gain freedom I will be held back from completely following my Lord's intentions for my life. What will it look like to be a servant of my Lord during this shackled time? I want to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. I don't want to be religious while continuing to participate in social systems that oppress people. I want to live simpily so that others can simpily live. I want to continue to liquidate the things I call mine to be generous to God's children in my backyard, Chicago. Unfortunately as long as I live in the U.S. I think I will be part of the problem. I will be consuming things like oil that are harmful to the environment, I will be consuming foods produced in countries where people die of starvation, I will be wearing clothes sewn by children held in slave labor. And I will not see the suffering I am causing. I will not be able to love the starving person, or help the person suffering the flooding of global warming. I will not be able to offer an alternative to the child who will sell herself for sex or labor. I will not be able to love the least of my Lover's children. I must follow Him, I must seek him out where He is among the suffering in the world. And to completely Love Him is to commit myself to the labor of love among the least. Freedom from the world= freedom through obedience to God

The Importance of Being Foolish

The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus
Brennan Manning

This book was a short hard back so I choose to read it before leaving the country because it weighed as much as many of the more lengthy paper backs. Now I'm one down and like 12 to go (unless I choose to take along "Brave New World" and replace the weight I was trying to loose by reading quickly. If all that didn't make since here's the clarification. I'm packing to move to Brazil for four months and I don't want to take lots of heavy books but I still want to do tons of reading so in all my brilliant logic I decided to read the hard cover books first and try to read them before actually leaving. One down one to go before Saturday.

I expected this book to be all about the counter-cultural values of Jesus but it wasn't. I did discuss this but not at lenth. The focus of this book was love. Check out a few quotes that stuck out to me:
"Little brother, perhaps the most difficult thing for you to accept at this moment is your failure to have done with your life what you long to accomplish. This is the cross you wanted least of all, the cross you never expected, the cross you find hardest to bear. Somewhere you got the idea that I expected your life to be an untarnished success story, an unbroken upward spiral toward holiness. Don't you see that I am too realistic for that?" (pg. 163)
"Reason demands moderation in love as in all things; faith destroys moderation here." (pg 114)
"Once you come to know the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem beautiful or desirable.... I cannot let you go. In good times and bad, victory and defeat, my life has no meaning without you.... This and this alone is authentic Christianity. Not a code of dos and don'ts, not a tedious moralizing, not a list of forbidding commandments, and certainly not the necessary minimum requirement for avoiding the pains of hell." (pg 173-4)

Then the epologue gets into the foolish bit by suggesting that the common Christianity is not offensive. This nonoffensive brand will not transform anything. People will see what true Christians do and label them as fools because only a fool would love without moderation or regard to how they are treated in return.

The first third or so of this book dealt with common things that pull a person away from this foolish way of following Christ and those things were security, pleasure, and power. Manning tells some stories to illustrate this primary points and through these stories details how addicted we as a people are to those distractions listed above. One of the cures for these addictions is forgiveness of others and of self. And the last and most foolish point in the book was the seemingly foolishness of the cross. Manning tells stories of St. Francis weeping at the image of Christ crusified. He wept because of his uncontrolable love for Christ. He saw in Christ's death the immeasurable love of God for all people.

This book has reminded me of the centrality of love to who we are as witnesses for Christ. An important thing to be reminded of before hitting the streets. It also reminded me of a song by Nicole Nordeman- "Fool for You"

There are times when faith and common sense do not align
When hardcore evidence of you is hard to find
And I am silenced in the face of argumentative debate
And its a long hill its a lonely climb
Cause they want proof
They want proof of all these mysteries I claim
Cause only fools believe would want to chant a dead man's name
Maybe its true, yeah but..........

Chorus:
I'll be a fool for you (fool for you)
Oh because you asked me too
A simpleton who's seemingly naive
I do believe
You came and made yourself a fool for me

I admit that in my darkest hours I've asked what if
What if we've created some kind of man made faith like this
Out of good intention, or emotional invention
And after life is through there will be no you
Cause they want proof of all these miracles I claim
Cause only fools believe that men can walk on waves
Maybe its true, yeah but.......Chorus

Unaware of popularity
Unconcerned with dignity
You've made me free
That's proof enough for me
Oh, Oh yeah...........

I'd be a fool for you (fool for you)
Oh if you ask me too
A simpleton who's only thinking of
The cause of love
I will speak Jesus' name
If that makes me crazy
They can call me great
I'm happy to be seemingly naive
I do believe you came and made yourself a fool for me
(a fool for you)

Movie Reviews

Alright So I really need to watch "Amazing Grace" but just haven't really ever been much of a movie theater type. I'll wait until I can rent it or borrow it from somebody most likely. Two movies I have watched recently however have really made a strong impact and I would like to share some thoughts about them here.
Last night I watched "Blood Diamond" and about a month ago while in Michigan I watched "Tsotsi." Blood Diamond takes place in Sierra Leone and Tsotsi in South Africa. Then of course I read "Not for Sale" in between. I loaned out our house copy of "Invisible Children" to a ICS Wheaton buddy and life is circulating around this issue of child soldiers and extreme poverty in Africa. The movie (BD) ended last night at around 1am and I had to ride home about 15 minutes alone. It may have been the first time I was every freaked out riding at night, alone, all those should be worrisome conditions (you know). I'm starting to learn the basics of sex trafficking and child soldiers. It's totally breaking my heart.
Once again, what I am studying in most of my classes seems secondary to these issues. Why spend so much energy figuring out how to best disciple people in America while there is still so much injustice? I thought about doing my lit review for cross-cultural research today but ended up just checking out books from the library. They are all about holistic ministry in urban settings. It is a tangent from what originally I expected to write and research but it is a tangent that may be necessary in order for me to find motivation to accomplish this major project.

Yesterday I was in a conversation with some very special friends and one of them said something about admiring my heart for missions. This is not something I really asked for or intended to happen. About a week ago I was in a conversation with some other people I highly respect and one of them asked if I had always been like I am, alluding to the missions and compassion for people. No. This isn't me. My desire for my life was to be a successful psychologist who would be able to prove Dr. Phil a fool and write books and be a professor. that would put me in my last year at University of Colorado in Boulder right now working on a huge senior research project on the psychological benefits of altruism. But even without an awareness of the Holy Spirit's work in us I had a prof teach me to pray that my heart break for the things that break God's heart. And now, slowly but surely it seems that everything I once thought and believed is being replaced by understanding I think is more aligned with God's wisdom. Incomplete for sure, but more represent to God. Blessed be God. All praise be to the One who sees the suffering of the invisible around the world. And pray that we all begin to reflect God's love and compassion for the world.

Love

God answers prayers.

It's a pretty cool deal actually.

When I walk I try to pray. But most of the time it seems I get too busy starring at the sidewalk, or where it should be underneath all the ice, while listening to some punk or folk music that totally distracts my thoughts, or at least allows me to enter that absent minded state where our brains can check out. This time I kept my thoughts captive and asked God to teach me specific how to love more purely.

Then I walk into the doors of where I work and began my day. I worked hard, it passed quickly. Then I coordinated our weekly French Press seminar addressing the issue of Fair Trade and social responsibility. Then I went home. Simple. Nothing more or less then the normal day of work. Then I found myself in the basement listening and reading the words of an ordinary man Rob Bell who just happens to have been able to highlight beauty in the ordinary and be able to point it out so that others can see it as well. I soaked that in. I'm still processing a lot of what I read tonight. But I know God intended for these words to have brought to me today in answer to my request and now a journey begins.

Praise the Lord that He believes in us even when we fail to believe in ourselves.

What does it mean to truly love? Love, I believe is what we are called to do first and foremost. God is love. Jesus is God. We are called to follow Jesus. We are called to take on the yoke of love, to be love, to be like Jesus. And so we begin to consider what is loving in situations throughout our day.

Example from last week, between classes chilling at a coffee shop. Reading some book on what chruches should look like or some-such and then I begin to look around the room and see a table to my right, two men, discussing discipleship. Then I look to my left and there is a table of 6 men talking about their church, I think they were a ministry meeting. Then I look in front of me and it's a woman sitting alone reading a Christian magazine. Then I look to the far side of the room and I see a professor reading a big theology text. And it goes on and on. I say nobody in there reading a great piece of literature, nobody telling a story to a friend about their childhood, no dating couples talking about their love, no old women sharing recipes. None of it. Just religious discussions in a coffee shop. And this is what it seems like all the time. Christian talk everywhere. It's inescapable. And that day I had a mini-panic attack being surrounded by Christian talk. My thinking through my experiences tells me that talk is cheap.

What sparked the prayer today, what got me to look up rather than down was a license plate on a Mercedes that was customized to read, "THE WORD." This can be interpreted many different ways. I thought of two and neither is loving. The more loving of the two is a memory of a joke that I think Mike tells about college kids naming their bed, "the word" so they can sound spiritual saying they are off to spend time in "the word." In this case meaning I'm going to go off to my expensive SUV. I bet you can figure out what my less loving interpretation was on your own.

Where does this frustration (mask for the anger underneath) come from and how can I get rid of it? And so I prayed. I am now going to make a conscientious effort to see beauty in more things. For instance the fact that now because of the Mercedes people will see "THE WORD" and maybe wonder about it and maybe think I should read the Bible or maybe somehow this license will produce fruit. And maybe it is a miracle that the owner of this vehicle know about "THE WORD." From my experience reading the word I get the feeling that now many people with money figure out what it means. So maybe I should rejoice that people with money can move toward Christ. I look all over Wheaton and other suberbs and I should be rejoicing a lot because rich people do know Christ.

However this is not how I normally think. This is not how I normally interpret the world around me. And so I'm learning the way of love. There is not distinction in love of who does it better. And what process of love is more acceptable. If love is given than the receiver is receiving love. There is no formula for the one right way to love. My way to love is no better than your way. Love is love. My problem now with love is I haven't let it heal or transform all of me.

And again I say, I am beginning a new adventure right now.