Remembering Rio

I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about Rio. Mostly about the people there that I love but also about the condition of the favelas. I signed up for weekly google alerts on Rio's favelas and have been learning that there has been a resurgence of violence similar to what occurred in November 2010 (read about it here), while I was there. I would like to share a few of these articles that have piqued my interest. Perhaps they too will allow you to open your heart and mind to the Carioca (People of Rio de Janeiro).
And as always, thanks for stopping by!
Jen

Reflection on Favelas

Modernizing Brazil bulldozes its slums and soccer's shrine

Violence in 'Pacified' Rio Favela as Police Shake Up Criminal Equilibrium

Military Remains in Complexo do Alemão

squaw peak 50

4 days 6 hours and 30 minutes until the race. I can't sleep. I've saved the details until this final week of preparations and now I'm worried. I'm also very excited BUT....

What does it take to train for a 50 mile race you may wonder. Lots of people ask me how many miles per week I run, what my longest training run has been, how I've prepared for the terrain and altitude. Every time I answer these questions I find myself a little nervous. I don't really know what I'm doing. I've never done any thing like this before and I've found that there is little detailed information on how to train for ultras. Well, that's not entirely true. There are lots of personal accounts of training but because each race is it's own event (unlike the standard road marathon) the training required would be very different for me living in flat lands training for a 50 mile mountain race then it would be for a Vail runner training for Badwater (super hot, dry 135 miler). So I've had to try to decide for myself what my training should require.

I needed to learn to climb. So I found Mount Hoy (Trashmore) and ran up and down 4-5 times twice a week. To put this route on a grander scale it would be like an elevation gain of 400-500' per mile. Come to find out the race will require me to scale 1,000' per mile miles on end. I'm not yet sure that I can do this. I did run on snow lots this winter and there is a good chance I'll encounter some snow along the course. It's been a couple months now but I should be okay in this respect. My trail shoes are fresh and comfortable. I have a couple pairs of back-up shoes though because my feet are worn out from the past 7 month of abuse. And as for endurance and distances, I ran the marathon distance two weekends in a row. The second weekend I participated at the Rockford Marathon instead of running my usual training trails. This race was suppose to be a confidence booster and it was in some regards. I proved to be better trained than for any of my previous marathon performances however my body had it's issues. I started out too fast even though I felt great. My digestion got all messed up and I had chills for more than half the race despite warm weather. I could have finished 13 minutes faster had I not had to stop for all the port-a-johns along the way. I wish I knew the cause of this ailment. Now I'm worried about what will happen along a 50 mile trail course if my body responds the same way.

There are so many variables when it comes to racing and the longer the race the more potential variables. I have prepared as well as I was able to and wanted to. I have been looking forward to this race since Dec. 1st when I mailed in my application. Now I'm left waiting for the clock to count down the final days and put up the best I have to give when the time comes. It would be nice if everything came together perfectly. If I have full energy, the weather is right, my brother can come and pace through the tough part, my dad can push me through the finish, and I can enjoy the feeling of giving it my all.

I leave for Utah on Wednesday after work. I expect to arrive in Denver by Thursday morning then complete the drive by Friday morning to Provo, UT. This won't leave enough time to acclimate but maybe I'll not suffer too badly. The race is from 5,000-9,000', only 3,000' above what I'm accustomed to. Updates from the race will be posted to my facebook wall. Please send encouraging words. I'm a bit stressed at this point.

I hate the airline industry

January 5th I flew to Portland. January 10th I flew back to Lubbock. January 15th I flew to Chicago. January 20th I flew back to Lubbock. I fly often and I've never received a free flight through frequent flier programs. I even fly internationally.
On the flight to Portland the first leg of the trip, from Lubbock to Dallas was delayed 5 hours. I only arrived 3 hours late to Portland but regardless it was a long day, 12 hours spent behind security checkpoints. I didn't write about the return flight so I can't specifically recall anything the airline messed up with. I do know that flying hurts by back so I had taken a muscle relaxer and felt like I was on a theme park ride over the Rockey Mountains stretching from Mt. Hood over Salt Lake, Fort Junction, and ending at Pike's Peak. The plane flew low for the size and distance and it was a perfectly clear day. The pilot was also great about announcing which mountains we would be able to see and which cities we would be going over. The only annoyance I had on this trip was with the cost of airport food.
On the flight to Chicago, the first leg I rode with my dad. The flight was a bit delayed. They had reassigned his flight without him knowing and at the last minute we realized and had the attendants switch it back. During out wait however there was a huge chess set with pieces more than 3' tall. We didn't have time to finish the game, which is a good thing actually. The jet bridge in Lubbock was broken and still appeared to be unfixed on the 20th when I came back through. This meant that we had to go down the stairs and across the tarmac to board the plane. Not an issue really for us but at least one of the passengers was in a wheel chair. Because of the short delay by the time we reached Dallas my next flight was already boarding so I had to hurry to the other terminal and get going. We made great time to Chicago, saving off more than an hour of flight time but we had to wait on the ground for 30 minutes for an open gate, then another hour to discover that the sky bridge had frozen to death. It was after all -10 degrees and mechanical errors must be more likely but to add to the issue, the people on the ground would spend 5 minutes outside then 15 inside warming up so there wasn't much ground assistance to further slow the process. Eventually the plane was pushed closer to the Jet Bridge and a makeshift bridge extender was erected for us to get safely into the airport. I was most troubled by this because I really had to use the bathroom. I didn't have any time in Dallas and didn't feel like crawling over the people sitting on my row during the flight. But after waiting so long, I finally disobeyed the seat belt lights tyring to control the disgruntled passengers, jumped luggage and took care of my business. Less upset after this annoyance was done away with.
On the final return flight, all was going well until Dallas. This was inauguration day and I had the benefit of being able to watch the balls while waiting through gate changes and delays. It was a really late flight in the first place, the last one out to Lubbock. There had been three gate changes and at one point the attendants started to board the plane and then mechanics sent the passengers back out because the plane had a broken armrest that was apparently a safety hazard. We patiently waited 40 minutes before being allowed to board again. This was a little twin prop airplane and we sat on the ground for what felt like 30 minutes warming up the engines and propellers. We started to taxi out to the runway and then at the last minute turned around. The passengers were informed that the pilot was already at 14+ hours and would timeout before arriving at out destination. There is an FAA regulation that pilots cannot work over 16 hours in a 24 hour time period. So we were brought back to the airport and given new flight assignments to go out the next day. We were given hotel vouchers for a hotel suite bigger than my apartment and $10 of airport money for any food place. I was scheduled for the first flight out to Lubbock that next morning and didn't get more than 4 hours in my hotel room that night. Once arriving in Lubbock my luggage didn't arrive with me. Here I am very mad. I give the attendants my information and they give me a number to call to see if it has been located. I call when they tell me to a few hours later and the automated voice says that my stuff is not yet located. Thankfully, sometime that night while I'm at work I receive a message from my dad that it has been delivered to their house. So there was finally resolution to the awful ordeal.
I hate the airline industry. But at least I didn't have this happen to my flight: This was a FedEx crash at the Lubbock airport January 27th at 4:30AM. The 27th was an icy day much like the 5th, when I flew to Portland. At least I haven't had to land in Lubbock on a really icy day. One more reason to stay in town for a while. I gave my car a wash yesterday. It is a trusty vehicle that doesn't leave the ground the the only delays are caused by me. I can handle that.

Running in Chicagoland

Brrr...
I had to choose the coldest week in years to visit my home in Chicago. The day I flew in it was -1 as a high I think and -13 as the low. Two days later the when I headed out for my scheduled 9 mile run it was 12 degrees and perfect. I strapped on my YakTraks and pulled on some snow pants with gaiters over my fleece lined running tights. The intention was to get dropped off at the 0 mile mark on the Prairie Path from Wheaton and run 4 1/2 miles out and back but after just minutes I decided that the snow was too deep and the run would be impossible so I aborted that plan at Washington in Wheaton just West of Wheaton College. After running around the college I decided to run to Caribou Coffee for some water and made a new plan to run back to the house were I was staying from there. Once getting to Caribou and recognizing lots of people I wanted to return after each three mile loop and that's exactly what I did. The first loop was to the East. The second loop was to the South West attempting to run past Casa de la Sol, my first residence, but the road was blocked for me by a busted water pipe. I accidentally stepped into it and felt my foot getting wet. I was terrified that the run would have to be over after such an accident. But not even half a mile later, it didn't feel wet anymore. So I continued. The third loop was to the North around Northside Park and back. I forgot to turn the GPS on a couple times but am confident on the achieved distance. After the run I felt fantastic. Lots of energy and a great mood. My joints didn't hurt, I wasn't cold, my stomach was normal the whole time. This was a rare thing for me. Normally after long runs I'm messed up for the rest of the day. I ran slower on the snow and ice and maybe this is why it was so easy to recover. Not sure but I was very thankful for this amazing run and the friends and places I saw along the way.

Where am I?

It's just a few short days from my birthday and I'm getting stressed thinking about having to decide what I want to do/get/eat. Tonight my best friend is taking me out to dinner. Wednesday my family is offering me dinner. That means I have to choose two restaurants in Lubbock that I'd be willing to enjoy. And it dawns on me just how much I miss Chicago. Every restaurant in Lubbock is the same. Hamburger, steak, or Bar-b-q. I hate them all. The pubs are only about cheap domestic beer, the sandwich shops have never heard of bean sprouts, avocado, spinach, and all the other delicious veggie concoctions. The mexican food places are texmex which is great flavor but I can never be sure that it's actually vegitarian. How can you be healthy without meat? my family wonders. They insist that I get blood work done soon to insure that I'm not anemic. I am certain that I am healthy and getting better protein and iron then they ever have.

I crave Uncommonground Cafe on Clark street in Chicago. I want a treetini and veggichili. I want avocado bruschetta and tofu Benedict from Earwax Cafe on Damen. I want to have access to Somali, Vietnamese, Arabian, and Indian food all within walking distance. I want a delicious mushroom shaped pizza from Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinders. I almost wish I wasn't a vegetarian so I could have fish n' chips the Grafton Pub while enjoying the warmth and comfort of the plush couches and corner fireplace. I wish I could have Caribou Coffee, Trader Joes, and Whole Foods. I would even like McDonald's cousin, Chipotle for a filling of black beans, four types of hot salsa, and guacamole. Any of these tasty small places will meet my craving. Most of all I want to take my jeep Clayton into the intercity of Chicago, slowly maneuvering narrow streets, avoiding pedestrians with a few like-minded friends who accept me and don't want to change me. I want to enjoy their conversation. I want to be the master of their adventure. I don't want to be confined to a homogeneous town of 200,000 ultra conservative agricultural offspring. I want to be surrounded by people from all of the nations, speaking every conceivable language, belonging to a myriad of cultures, and living at peace as neighbors. This is part of what Chicago means to me and I miss it like crazy. I want to cold, the snow, the exercise, the trails, the train, traffic, and the three-fold community I once belonged to (school, work, church/faith). I am a foreigner in my hometown. I enjoy the work I do here but life is taxing as it is in another country. I belonged to the Chicago culture even though I was born a couple thousand miles away. Okay, it's time to put on a smile and get ready to meet my best friend. I love her, she loves me, it's just different now.

the latest

As is my usual, it's been a while since I've written in this place.
I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of people since my last entry. Today I started listening to the audio book, "Eat, Pray, Love" one of my favorites from the reading spree I took while in Rio. I'll be driving up to Kansas City tomorrow and the book should keep me entertained well. I love the story and her soul journey. She gives vocab to some of my experiences and she even has a bit of drama surrounding a David.
I've been on a bit of a soul journey myself beginning about a month ago while in Venezuela visiting the InnerCHANGE folks. In such a spiritually influenced place God's voice was impossible to ignore on a few specific instances. I was awakened to a new reality in the world, or at least a better understanding of a reality and then I was blessed in a unique way. But after a short visit of ten days I returned to face the storm that generally awaits a young adult returning after years of absence to her childhood hometown. Many people have welcomed me back with open arms, even people whom I didn't expect.
But even if I have received a warm welcome I still do not have friends. Maybe I have two friends but one is married and one causes me such great anxiety I would rather not go there most of the time regardless of how lonely I find myself. The goal at this point is either to make a new friend whom I have no previous history with and whom I do not work with OR to come to such a place of peace and inner joy that I can be completely content coming home to my empty and quiet apartment and being alone.
I do not like being alone or not doing anything. Hence going out of town to KC when all I have off is 2 1/2 days because I cannot bear the thought of sitting at home not doing anything for that long. I'm even leaving Lubbock for the Tech/Texas game. It's a big game this year as everyone I'm sure already knows. I don't have the money to leave either but I'm looking forward to seeing my friends from this summer.
Work is going well and the back is doing better day by day. So well in fact that I probably will not be able to have a surgery before leaving for Venezuela sometime in the upcoming months. Either way, I feel glad to be playing football and soccer with the residents and have even tried running a few times but max out in strength at about 3 miles.
This was a fairly useless blog posting I guess. Just a bit of an update as to where I am and what's more or less going on in my life. Expect photos to appear as I've gotten a new camera and have gone for nature walks through the concrete jungle that is home. Some have turned out pretty good. But I'll let you be the judge.
paz

Now What?

I again return to mirror the patterns of the boomerang generation of which I belong. Meaning, I'm inhabiting the room where I lived for 13 years of my childhood just a few yards from the room where my parents sleep. Yup, I'm living under my parents roof again. Why am I here I wonder? I don't have a job. I've been surviving with my back and it seems to be healing on its own without medical attention. I don't have more then two friends here it seems. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have an immediate plan. Sure I have my more long-term plan in place. I know where I want to go, who I want to work with. I have my application all in order and communications beginning in that department but even that has been put on hold and outside of my control.

So what am I doing with myself now that I have finally come to a place in life where I have no responsibilities (oh I still have financial responsibilities but that's a bit different then taking care of kids or classes)? At this very moment I find myself sitting in a chair where I've sat many times before at the most chic/trendy coffee shop in this medium-sized college town where I was raised being bombarded by noise from a local jazz band. The music isn't bad, I just had come here for respite from the confusion of home only to be met by a bad too loud for this small venue and lots of college kids some of whom I vaguely recognize talking about the boys now at LCU and what they are doing and what kinds of guys they want to date and what types of weddings they want and all the things that sound completely ridiculous to me now. No, I don't think I'm too good for these conversations, honestly I think I'm just lonely and out of my element.

How does a person become a foreigner in their hometown anyway? I've only been away for just over two years. But my personal culture and world-view began to change long before I moved away. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to move away. In elementary school I knew I wanted to move to Colorado or someplace beautiful like that to enjoy the mountains and be secluded from all kinds of people. But as I grew up I never became the homebody-type that would enjoy living in solitude in the mountains. In high school my identity began to change in such a way that I felt distanced from people and like I couldn't be understood. My experiences were unique but so are the experiences of every other person who has ever lived. These things perhaps I didn't so much recognize at that age like I do now at least a little bit better. Either way, I was free after that point to develop understandings and beliefs somewhat independent from my peers. Peer pressure was an issue for me in many ways but at the same time, my identity was not completely dependent on what others thought of me or how well liked I was. What a blessing it was to have that stability going through college. Those were formative years for me especially as I traveled to far off places like China and took epic adventures with friends into New Mexico.

After three years of college I finally moved from my hometown not to the mountainous lands of Colorado but instead deep into the mid-west, the great windy city (less windy then Lubbock) Chicago. The Wheaton grad school attracted people from all over the world like Russia, China, India, Rwanda, Australia, Togo, Bolivia, Uruguay, Peru, and from every corner of the US. Those of us from the US were interested in being scattered to the far reaches of the world also. What a beautiful place to fellowship and grow. I am so grateful for this time of training among so many diverse and yet similarly-minded followers of Christ. What each of us had in common was a desire to glorify God completely with our lives wherever He may choose to send us or return us. I have never been understood so well or when my opinions where different from those I was around I have never been so well listened to and respected.

And from that nurturing environment I have returned home. Now what?

Goals Revisited

A year ago I posted a list of goals to accomplish is life. I've had some interesting experiences over the last year and have a bit of a different perspective on what I really need to do verses what would make for interesting experiences to tell the grandchildren or whatever. So read on for the actual posting last year and at the end I'll create a new list of goals and a bit of a commentary on what things I have actually accomplished this year.

Friday, May 25, 2007
Life Goals
A couple years ago a friend told me about a list of things he wanted to do in his lifetime. He wrote it while he was in high school and by this point he had graduated college and realized his time was running out to accomplish some of the things on his list before the strains of adult life held fast their unrelenting hold on him. The most remarkable thing on his list was to run a marathon. This man was at least a hundred pounds away from running a marathon but that didn't stop him, it actually became greater motivation. He inspired me to come up with my own list. Now two years later I think I'm finally ready to give this list a try.

Life Goals:
1. Hike the entire Appalachian Trail
2. Run a Marathon
3. Spend a minimum of 8 years in another country
4. Adopt children
5. Write a book

Now we all know that dreaming about doing things is not enough. Unless we make concrete efforts to accomplish goals they will never get themselves done.
So here's where I'm at in accomplishing each of these things:
1. Looks like I'll begin preparing to make the voyage across 14 eastern states from March-September 2009.
2. I'm trying to run 2-3 times a week to maintain current shape but have not selected a marathon or year.
3. Preparing to work on a Servant Team with Word Made Flesh this fall to see if WMF would be an organization that I could serve with for many years.
4. I know that I want a boy from Africa and a girl from South East Asia but I'm single and in a transitional stage in life so I am not prepared to have kids of my own yet. I would prefer to wait until I'm married and plan to live in one place for several years before beginning the adoption process.
5. I have an outline for the book I want to write. I plan to work on the majority of it after graduation from Wheaton while working in Lubbock. Some before the AT and finishing after just before going overseas long-term. Approx. date of release: 2011.

There, that was a fun exercise. I'll come back to this in a year and see what kind of progress has been made. You should come up with a life goals list as well. No matter how young or old you are goals and very good to motivate us to constantly better ourselves and benefit the world we live in.

blessings,
jp

Alrighty, Well I ran the Traverse City Bayshore Marathon on May 24th 2008 and finished right at 5 hours. My goal was to finish in five hours and that I did.
I have not continued plans for the AT or made any significant headway on writing a book but I'm thinking I need to get busy with that because I'm headed overseas sometime in the next year guaranteed. I still have the book's outline saved on my computer somewhere but it probably hasn't been opened in nearly a year. I did write that I was planning on serving on a servant team with Word Made Flesh. I went with them to Rio de Janeiro. As far as adopting children goes I might just be happy unofficially taking kids in from the barrio or favela wherever I find myself living and working. These will be my kids and I don't have to be married to have and take care of them.

My goals now are to get a pet and be healthy again.
Last night I had other goals in mind that I wanted to write about but I've already forgot what they were so I guess they weren't that impressive or important.

9/10- I remembered what one of the other "original" updated goals was: have an avocado tree. I guess that can replace the have a pet goal. I want an avocado tree and to be healthy. Unfortunately I just learned that I'm never going to be healthy in the sense that I meant ever again. boo, sad day.

Road Trip Path, kinda

View Larger Map
So this is the basic trajectory that I plan to take over the next couple weeks. Right now I'm in Eagan, MN. Tomorrow I'll be in Minneapolis. Wednesday I'll make my way to the western suburbs of Chi-town. I don't have any dates for the other places just yet.

Packing up, again

I don't have anything profound to write about today I just find myself in that strange tension and knotted anxiety again at the cliff of another relocation. It seems that the chapters in the book of my life do not last very long which is sad because apparently I have a way about me of developing really deep relationships and connections with people fairly quickly. Today I have been frantically pacing the church that we have called homebase for YouthWorks! over the past 2 1/2 months taking what things I can down and making list after list of things that I cannot forget to do while at the same time desperately wanting an excuse to stop, breath easy for a few minutes and realize what is most important, that being respectful to the people we work with and among. I don't know really what will be next for me. I know that I will have some much needed doctors visits to schedule and some job options to weigh out. But before I can even get there I have some soul searching to do that will stretch me the geographical distances of Minneapolis to Chicago back through Kansas City, Hope(fully) into Arkansas, and eventually winding my way back to the place of my origin, Texas. Anything could happen along the way. This will be my longest (miles and days) solo road trip and I do expect to experience some physical discomfort from the back injury and wont be able to take medication for it because I'll be driving, but otherwise it should be a good change of pace from this 24/7 gig I've been working the past couple months. I know lots of my friends are also experiencing major changes in their lives and I'm not alone in this soul searching scavenger hunt across spiritual and physical distances but nevertheless this will be a unique time in my life. The journey begins August 12. I move from Kansas City on August 10th and expect to arrive in Lubbock by September 1st. Don't expect any blogging between now and then.

death and humilty

June 21, 2008
Shawnee, KS
I’ve not been contributing very much or very deeply to my blog in a very long time and earlier today I felt the urge to give it a try so we will see what comes out in this computer session as I drink my orange cream slush from sonic and sit at the dinning room table at the pastor’s house from the church who is hosting YouthWorks! in Kansas City. This weekend we are sleeping in real beds instead of our usual air mattresses and taking showers when we want and we even have access to washer and dryer and TV and real couches. What a wonderful weekend it has been. The carpet feels so good on our bare feet and the atmosphere of being in a real house instead of a shared space is wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, the church where we live is wonderful also, but there are some comforts at home that we still enjoy. Not personally paying rent, utilities, food, and all those other things is also wonderful but our arrangements have other costs. Like working 24/5 ½ (meaning 24 hours a day for 5 and ½ days strait without a break). And even on the weekends we have some constraints, it’s not like we can just resume normal life entirely. And all these things are okay. I like my job. It’s tough but it’s good. What does suffering produce? Perseverance. And what does perseverance produce? Hope that does not fail us. I’ve reached the realization of perseverance at this point but I’m still working towards hope.
Let me take a moment to explain a bit about what I’m doing. For those who are just looking for ways to waste their lives away on the Internet, check out youthworks.com. For others who just want a quick description, I work for YouthWorks!, inc. and they are a missions organization that exists to provide Christ-centered, transformational mission experiences for teenagers. I am the Site Director for their new Kansas City site. We are located in Westport, the Volker neighborhood at a wonderfully hospitable (as evidenced by the pastor letting us use their house) Lutheran church. Each Sunday evening 50-75 youth show up and we keep them until Friday morning doing service type projects, worshiping, eating, sleeping, and seeing various parts of the city. Some of the places we send them are Kansas City Rescue Mission, Northland Neighborhoods, Metro Lutheran Services, Catholic Charities, Operation Breakthrough, Mission Adelante, Clara Manor Nursing Home, Harvesters, Kansas City Community Gardens, and others. Ask if you have more questions about what we do. Now back to my story.
On May 24th I ran a marathon. I felt on top of the world. Moving to a new place (I love traveling and the idea of new starts) and starting a new job had me very excited but at the same time a bit mournful of loosing the community I had built up while attending grad school in Wheaton, IL. I had not expected to grow so close to so many people in such a short time. But the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And this was one of those times. Running the marathon seemed to be proving to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to. Originally I had seen running distance as something I could only accomplish through the aid of God. I didn’t think I would ever have the strength to complete such a thing on my own and during all my training runs I heavily relied on prayer and meditation on the supplication of God but during the marathon no such meditation took place. I ran all 26.2 of those miles by my own determination. I couldn’t focus on God with all those people running around me. I had a couple wonderful conversations along the way that were the main source of my fuel. And afterwards I felt better that if I had just run 9 or 10 miles. I was still jumping around. I could have turned around and run another ½ marathon at least. It was a wonderful feeling of power and accomplishment. Except that I had done it all on my own and I realized that right away. And I wasn’t as ecstatic about my run because I couldn’t appreciate God’s companionship along the way. I couldn’t reflect on mile 8 when God showed me the bay and sent the breeze and whispered gently into my ear all the wonderful ways he created me and the beauty he created in this place. Instead all I remember is being bored and strong on my own.
At RAMP (the YouthWorks! training week in Minneapolis) I remember praying for death again and I know I have not written the promised blog about why I meditate on death and what that means to me but I’ll summarize that now. When I ran 15, 18, and 20 mile training runs I would meditate on death. Death of the sort that baptism represents as well as the death I survived during my bleak and painful high school years. I learned years ago that my life would have no significance if lived outside of the will of God. Though not knowing exactly what it would mean to live according to God’s will, I knew that I had to die to my whims, my desires, and my ambitions. Instead I had to learn what God desired of his followers. I had to learn what it would mean to allow God to transform me and begin the process of perfection. And as I figured bits of this out I learned that the life where I choose yes to God and no to my ambitions was so much more wonderful and exciting then I could have ever envisioned for myself. Years later I have learned to pray that I die so that Christ can live through my body, that I can more and more fully be a body that Christ uses in this world to spread love and peace and advance his kingdom. But it’s hard to live like that all the time. There are lots of times where I would rather just look out for myself and use my money the way I want to or my time the way that would be most comfortable for me. But I desire above anything else to be completely God’s instrument.
Back to RAMP, I was praying to be set back on this path of being God’s servant and all and was feeling myself slip more and more into selfish decisions and was very frustrated about where my mind was during the marathon. On Thursday morning I was reflecting on how I was leading my new staff team and wrote in my journal these words, “Lord, break me down. Teach me humility. I choose to die to myself and be a life for you today. Make my body your instrument of love and peace. Work your will through my life. Transform my staff and myself. Today I choose death. Show me how to live.” Before I move on to the next exciting part of the story I want to jump back to February or sometime around there. We were playing with sticky sticks or whatever they are called (colorful sticky wand-like things that you can affix to stuff) in my Holy Spirit and mission class and we were supposed to design them in a way that reflected the way we saw the Holy Spirit involved in our lives. I created a girl running and this wind like thing that was all around but never intersected with the running girl. Basically I described it as myself running both physically and metaphorically and not actually feeling God involved with any of it. In years past I have felt very close to God but since this fall while I Rio I have not had that close communion with God that I used to enjoy and even rely on.
Back to that day at RAMP. In a matter of hours after writing that prayer I found myself in a lot of pain. I went to the bathroom then couldn’t really stand up off the toilet. Somehow I pulled myself up along the wall and slowly pulled myself out of that awkward position into a more heavily trafficked room where I was spotted by a couple people digging a dinosaur out of a clay egg. So they sat in the hallway with me for a while digging the dino out and that kept me company while I tried to figure out what to do with my pathetic self. After a while I had an informal meeting with one of the regional directors about potential ministry sites. She witnessed this miserable situation and didn’t have a whole lot of advice to offer. So I called the parents and other trusted friends who knew of my previous back disaster day 4 in Rio de Janeiro. Basically the same thing happed there. Just couldn’t stand up any more. Hurt, a lot.
So I went to the hospital and God rendered me helpless for the next week or so. Couldn’t walk much, couldn’t lift nothin’, couldn’t really do my job. I felt pathetic, miserable, frustrated. Humbled. I began to see God intervening, answering my prayer. I am still acting very selfish in my leadership. I still don’t understand how I can be a servant leader in this position. I still am frustrated with my situation of helplessness. I can do more now but maybe I shouldn’t be doing as much as I am. I don’t really know what God is trying to teach me and so I’m figuring I’ll have more of these tough lessons to learn. This past Thursday I began hurting again after a couple of weeks of feeling nearly better. Today especially I’m having a hard time standing up again. So I don’t know what the rest of the summer will look like or what will happen after this summer if I make it that far all I know is what is right now. And this simple vision of the current moment may itself be a lesson of God’s.
Thanks for reading about my struggles and the lessons I’m struggling to learn. I think I’m going to go enjoy some pizzookie with my team. Pizzookie for you who don’t know is like a pizza cookie with cookie dough cooked about five minutes and a pint of ice cream on top. Today’s flavors are Snickerdoodle cookie dough with Blue Bell Moo-llineum crunch on top. Yum… I think that’s enough of my thoughts for now. Thanks for reading all two of you who make it to the end. Leave some love.

Searching

I realize a new chapter in my life of genuinely searching for God perhaps initiated or instigated by higher education and frequent travel with exposure to true beauty and rich truth. I have been in contact with both evil and love. I now desire to possess the truth of these events. I want to find God. I will search this world to its farthest reaches not strictly for the pleasure in travel but to experience the faces of God. I will continue to consume books that use intellectualism to reflect and point toward Christ. And in the end I expect to make a full circle and realize the great paradox that perhaps I encountered God far away, still He has been making himself known to me from the very beginning, I didn't have to leave the room I inhabit to encounter God.

I'm in a theology class that feels more like a philosophy class at times. We have answered the question of the meaning of life. We ask why shall we strive to succeed. Also we redefined freedom in terms that I'm struggling to make peace with.

All this to say, I'm about to begin a search of where the Church of Christ developed their theology from. Unfortunately I feel like I am offending or dishonoring my great grandfather by going on this journey to undermine his beliefs. And it's not that simple, he has spent his life shepherding his family to be Christians but in this 'denomination' a person cannot belong to another flock and still be true and unfortunately they (the great grandparents) take that seriously. Anyway, I just got a call that he had a heart attack and is in the hospital. I'm really glad that I got to see him again this last week and I really want to see him again but I know he has given up on life. He is content with the life he has lived and doesn't want to live by medicine.

Traveling Mercies

So this is what summer is like...

I remember when I was a wee little tot, maybe 8 or 9. I would spend everyday of the summer sleeping in then finding which neighbors were home to spend the day playing with. We would ride bikes, play in gutters, pogo stick race around the block, play soccer, basketball, or football, or play inside by building tents and tunnels with bedsheets. Those summers were long and boring mostly but memorable all the same.

Now summer means working as much as possible while juggling road trips and annual traditions with friends. Now throw in a little fundraising campaigning and carving out opportunities to see family while I still can. This year doesn't feel like I'm getting any kind of break to recharge and relax. The first couple weeks of summer with the intensive class on spiritual disciplines then off to Maine for a week were the only relaxing times I've had so far.

Still I am grateful for the variety. Spring semester was for school and travels for research. Summer has been for saving and preparing for Brazil. This fall will be Brazil. Then Spring will be back to grad school. The variety is what keeps me going and prevents burn out.

Today I watched City of God and informed my temp family that the favela I'm going to is "not quite that bad" according to our fearless leader on the ground now. I'm going to dream about that tonight pretty sure. Kids with guns. Frightening.

The countdown to mega road trip is winding down now. We leave in aprox. 76 hours. I'm not excited at all. Can you tell? I think the trip will be an effective metaphor for part of life via the long way home. I'll update next when I get to Texas with photos and a boring and detailed story of all the boring things that we do. Like drive for 9 hours then drink a green apple dr. pepper from sonic in Soux falls. then drive for 4 hours before sleeping in Custer. or something dry like that. I'm rambling. Thanks for reading.

peace in the middle east

Spiritual Disciplines

I'm in a wonderful class right now (week long) about Spiritual Formation and Witness. So far this class has really been refreshing and will just be a wonderful transition into a week by a lake in the forests of Maine (next week). Today we spent time discussion praying the Psalms. I prayed through Psalm 25, again. It's just been where my heart is lately. And then we wrote our own Psalms. Interesting but I think it gave me some perspective on why the Psalms are in the style and voice they are. Good exercises.

Just a refresher course for those not real familiar with the spiritual disciplines:
Most authors on the subject generally recognize two groups of disciplines, Abstinence and Engagement

The practices of abstinence include:
solitude, silence, fasting, frugality, chastity, secrecy (listen more interject less), sacrifice, and watching (such as Paul's practice of giving up sleep)

The practices of Engagement include:
study, worship, celebration, service, prayer, fellowship, confession, and submission

What I want to wrestle with today is what luxuries or common things can actually be used for disciplines?
For instance I really enjoy my work because I get to practice service, fellowship, and sometimes secrecy. At work is one place where I can actively live out some of the disciplines. But I would be able to do the same if I worked elsewhere or even if I didn't work at all. The practices are not contingent on my job.
Another example is I like to have my Sundays free from anything except church so that the rest of the day can be free to participate in any of the disciplines. I keep one day completely free so that I can never use the excuse of being too busy to carve out space for solitude or fasting or prayer.
Are you getting the picture?
For a while I claimed my iPod was part of my routine of discipline because 90% of the music was Christian-ish or would at least be capable of evoking a worshipful or celebratory response. Now however, it just fills the silence with more comfortable clamor.
I have been reflecting upon my semester that included a tremendous amount of travels to places like NY, CT, MA, NH, KY, IN, MI, and the places in between. Soon I'll be headed to ME and then for a long journey through NE, CO, NM, and TX. Some of my journeys have been on the seat of a motorcycle. The bike did something strange for my spiritual journey. For one I was forced into silence and solitude. There was no radio, cell phone, no reading, no human interaction (besides dodging traffic), and I was strangely at one with nature. Able to sense the changes in the air including subtle temperature changes, smells, winds, sounds. It is a unique experience that bikers share. I wonder if it could really be considered a valuable part of my spiritual formation and disciplines? Will my spiritual life suffer without the bike? Is that enough excuse to cleave to it even in the face of desires to become more frugal and live more simply?

That's all.

So I just read this blog and it was pretty cool. This week I'm still tired from travel so that's my excuse for not starting research on what globally accessable food is and also because I'm still suffering from the effects of malnutrition. I'm confident that it will pass within a couple more days and then I'll be able to start eating like my friends at the orphanage in Mexica by Monday. What will that mean? Rice, beans, corn tortillas, and goat cheese. I'm excited. Until then, I think I'll make a frozen salmon filet. That will be good for my recovery. And maybe served on a bed of fine sticky rice. That sounds awsome to me at least. Read the whole blog that I linked to above. It's fairly short and some of the stuff he wrote about coincided with what I experienced.