Remembering Rio

I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about Rio. Mostly about the people there that I love but also about the condition of the favelas. I signed up for weekly google alerts on Rio's favelas and have been learning that there has been a resurgence of violence similar to what occurred in November 2010 (read about it here), while I was there. I would like to share a few of these articles that have piqued my interest. Perhaps they too will allow you to open your heart and mind to the Carioca (People of Rio de Janeiro).
And as always, thanks for stopping by!
Jen

Reflection on Favelas

Modernizing Brazil bulldozes its slums and soccer's shrine

Violence in 'Pacified' Rio Favela as Police Shake Up Criminal Equilibrium

Military Remains in Complexo do Alemão

normal or uncommon

There is a quote I found recently that states, "Perhaps, there is no more dangerous place for a Christian to be then in safety and comfort, detached from the suffering of others." This quote was attributed to Shane Claiborne's mom in "Jesus for President." I love it because it seems SO true.

I'm in a place of limbo. I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. I've arrived at a career that I love at a place that I love. I love where I live (the apartment, not the city) and how I feel right now. I can make payments on loans and I can handle this. But as much as I feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing I recognize equally that I'm not doing what I want and I'm not where I ultimately want to be. This is good for now, this is easy and it's comfortable. And I'm tempted, sometimes, to ask for more time here. To be responsible and pay off my college loans on my own, little by little. I'm especially tempted at times to make compromises of my intended vocation in order to settle down a bit. Have a real life with real people instead of the unending transient existence.

But today, again, I chose to take the lonely uncommon path to be single and to pursue another lifestyle. I felt a little like I could relate to the story where Jesus had to say to Paul, "Get behind me, Satan" because it was oh so tempting to change the trajectory of my life to follow a person I have loved dearly. But God, it seems, has uncommon intentions for my life. So I kept my impulses at bay and bravely stood my ground as an easier life beckoned for me to accept. I may be insignificant and frail but an easy, comfortable, common life does not belong to me. Hopefully, I will continue to persevere and accept my vocation.

I am running again. This is uncomfortable and proves to be a great exercise of discipline and perseverance. I intend to run a 4 mile race this Saturday and if the next week of endurance runs (up to 8 miles) goes well, for Christmas I will enter myself in the Austin 1/2 marathon and the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon. I will begin an 18 week training regimen Christmas week. And perhaps this go-round I'll blog more about my experiences running.

For me, running is a blessing. I believe that I shouldn't be able to run, but I do because it represents a tangible process of sanctification. I feel myself being conquered and reformed. I feel myself surrendering to my frailty and pushing beyond what I should be able to do and this makes me rejoice and find renewed strength. I love to run. Running is prayer.

Where am I?

It's just a few short days from my birthday and I'm getting stressed thinking about having to decide what I want to do/get/eat. Tonight my best friend is taking me out to dinner. Wednesday my family is offering me dinner. That means I have to choose two restaurants in Lubbock that I'd be willing to enjoy. And it dawns on me just how much I miss Chicago. Every restaurant in Lubbock is the same. Hamburger, steak, or Bar-b-q. I hate them all. The pubs are only about cheap domestic beer, the sandwich shops have never heard of bean sprouts, avocado, spinach, and all the other delicious veggie concoctions. The mexican food places are texmex which is great flavor but I can never be sure that it's actually vegitarian. How can you be healthy without meat? my family wonders. They insist that I get blood work done soon to insure that I'm not anemic. I am certain that I am healthy and getting better protein and iron then they ever have.

I crave Uncommonground Cafe on Clark street in Chicago. I want a treetini and veggichili. I want avocado bruschetta and tofu Benedict from Earwax Cafe on Damen. I want to have access to Somali, Vietnamese, Arabian, and Indian food all within walking distance. I want a delicious mushroom shaped pizza from Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinders. I almost wish I wasn't a vegetarian so I could have fish n' chips the Grafton Pub while enjoying the warmth and comfort of the plush couches and corner fireplace. I wish I could have Caribou Coffee, Trader Joes, and Whole Foods. I would even like McDonald's cousin, Chipotle for a filling of black beans, four types of hot salsa, and guacamole. Any of these tasty small places will meet my craving. Most of all I want to take my jeep Clayton into the intercity of Chicago, slowly maneuvering narrow streets, avoiding pedestrians with a few like-minded friends who accept me and don't want to change me. I want to enjoy their conversation. I want to be the master of their adventure. I don't want to be confined to a homogeneous town of 200,000 ultra conservative agricultural offspring. I want to be surrounded by people from all of the nations, speaking every conceivable language, belonging to a myriad of cultures, and living at peace as neighbors. This is part of what Chicago means to me and I miss it like crazy. I want to cold, the snow, the exercise, the trails, the train, traffic, and the three-fold community I once belonged to (school, work, church/faith). I am a foreigner in my hometown. I enjoy the work I do here but life is taxing as it is in another country. I belonged to the Chicago culture even though I was born a couple thousand miles away. Okay, it's time to put on a smile and get ready to meet my best friend. I love her, she loves me, it's just different now.

Now What?

I again return to mirror the patterns of the boomerang generation of which I belong. Meaning, I'm inhabiting the room where I lived for 13 years of my childhood just a few yards from the room where my parents sleep. Yup, I'm living under my parents roof again. Why am I here I wonder? I don't have a job. I've been surviving with my back and it seems to be healing on its own without medical attention. I don't have more then two friends here it seems. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have an immediate plan. Sure I have my more long-term plan in place. I know where I want to go, who I want to work with. I have my application all in order and communications beginning in that department but even that has been put on hold and outside of my control.

So what am I doing with myself now that I have finally come to a place in life where I have no responsibilities (oh I still have financial responsibilities but that's a bit different then taking care of kids or classes)? At this very moment I find myself sitting in a chair where I've sat many times before at the most chic/trendy coffee shop in this medium-sized college town where I was raised being bombarded by noise from a local jazz band. The music isn't bad, I just had come here for respite from the confusion of home only to be met by a bad too loud for this small venue and lots of college kids some of whom I vaguely recognize talking about the boys now at LCU and what they are doing and what kinds of guys they want to date and what types of weddings they want and all the things that sound completely ridiculous to me now. No, I don't think I'm too good for these conversations, honestly I think I'm just lonely and out of my element.

How does a person become a foreigner in their hometown anyway? I've only been away for just over two years. But my personal culture and world-view began to change long before I moved away. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to move away. In elementary school I knew I wanted to move to Colorado or someplace beautiful like that to enjoy the mountains and be secluded from all kinds of people. But as I grew up I never became the homebody-type that would enjoy living in solitude in the mountains. In high school my identity began to change in such a way that I felt distanced from people and like I couldn't be understood. My experiences were unique but so are the experiences of every other person who has ever lived. These things perhaps I didn't so much recognize at that age like I do now at least a little bit better. Either way, I was free after that point to develop understandings and beliefs somewhat independent from my peers. Peer pressure was an issue for me in many ways but at the same time, my identity was not completely dependent on what others thought of me or how well liked I was. What a blessing it was to have that stability going through college. Those were formative years for me especially as I traveled to far off places like China and took epic adventures with friends into New Mexico.

After three years of college I finally moved from my hometown not to the mountainous lands of Colorado but instead deep into the mid-west, the great windy city (less windy then Lubbock) Chicago. The Wheaton grad school attracted people from all over the world like Russia, China, India, Rwanda, Australia, Togo, Bolivia, Uruguay, Peru, and from every corner of the US. Those of us from the US were interested in being scattered to the far reaches of the world also. What a beautiful place to fellowship and grow. I am so grateful for this time of training among so many diverse and yet similarly-minded followers of Christ. What each of us had in common was a desire to glorify God completely with our lives wherever He may choose to send us or return us. I have never been understood so well or when my opinions where different from those I was around I have never been so well listened to and respected.

And from that nurturing environment I have returned home. Now what?

Goals Revisited

A year ago I posted a list of goals to accomplish is life. I've had some interesting experiences over the last year and have a bit of a different perspective on what I really need to do verses what would make for interesting experiences to tell the grandchildren or whatever. So read on for the actual posting last year and at the end I'll create a new list of goals and a bit of a commentary on what things I have actually accomplished this year.

Friday, May 25, 2007
Life Goals
A couple years ago a friend told me about a list of things he wanted to do in his lifetime. He wrote it while he was in high school and by this point he had graduated college and realized his time was running out to accomplish some of the things on his list before the strains of adult life held fast their unrelenting hold on him. The most remarkable thing on his list was to run a marathon. This man was at least a hundred pounds away from running a marathon but that didn't stop him, it actually became greater motivation. He inspired me to come up with my own list. Now two years later I think I'm finally ready to give this list a try.

Life Goals:
1. Hike the entire Appalachian Trail
2. Run a Marathon
3. Spend a minimum of 8 years in another country
4. Adopt children
5. Write a book

Now we all know that dreaming about doing things is not enough. Unless we make concrete efforts to accomplish goals they will never get themselves done.
So here's where I'm at in accomplishing each of these things:
1. Looks like I'll begin preparing to make the voyage across 14 eastern states from March-September 2009.
2. I'm trying to run 2-3 times a week to maintain current shape but have not selected a marathon or year.
3. Preparing to work on a Servant Team with Word Made Flesh this fall to see if WMF would be an organization that I could serve with for many years.
4. I know that I want a boy from Africa and a girl from South East Asia but I'm single and in a transitional stage in life so I am not prepared to have kids of my own yet. I would prefer to wait until I'm married and plan to live in one place for several years before beginning the adoption process.
5. I have an outline for the book I want to write. I plan to work on the majority of it after graduation from Wheaton while working in Lubbock. Some before the AT and finishing after just before going overseas long-term. Approx. date of release: 2011.

There, that was a fun exercise. I'll come back to this in a year and see what kind of progress has been made. You should come up with a life goals list as well. No matter how young or old you are goals and very good to motivate us to constantly better ourselves and benefit the world we live in.

blessings,
jp

Alrighty, Well I ran the Traverse City Bayshore Marathon on May 24th 2008 and finished right at 5 hours. My goal was to finish in five hours and that I did.
I have not continued plans for the AT or made any significant headway on writing a book but I'm thinking I need to get busy with that because I'm headed overseas sometime in the next year guaranteed. I still have the book's outline saved on my computer somewhere but it probably hasn't been opened in nearly a year. I did write that I was planning on serving on a servant team with Word Made Flesh. I went with them to Rio de Janeiro. As far as adopting children goes I might just be happy unofficially taking kids in from the barrio or favela wherever I find myself living and working. These will be my kids and I don't have to be married to have and take care of them.

My goals now are to get a pet and be healthy again.
Last night I had other goals in mind that I wanted to write about but I've already forgot what they were so I guess they weren't that impressive or important.

9/10- I remembered what one of the other "original" updated goals was: have an avocado tree. I guess that can replace the have a pet goal. I want an avocado tree and to be healthy. Unfortunately I just learned that I'm never going to be healthy in the sense that I meant ever again. boo, sad day.

death and humilty

June 21, 2008
Shawnee, KS
I’ve not been contributing very much or very deeply to my blog in a very long time and earlier today I felt the urge to give it a try so we will see what comes out in this computer session as I drink my orange cream slush from sonic and sit at the dinning room table at the pastor’s house from the church who is hosting YouthWorks! in Kansas City. This weekend we are sleeping in real beds instead of our usual air mattresses and taking showers when we want and we even have access to washer and dryer and TV and real couches. What a wonderful weekend it has been. The carpet feels so good on our bare feet and the atmosphere of being in a real house instead of a shared space is wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, the church where we live is wonderful also, but there are some comforts at home that we still enjoy. Not personally paying rent, utilities, food, and all those other things is also wonderful but our arrangements have other costs. Like working 24/5 ½ (meaning 24 hours a day for 5 and ½ days strait without a break). And even on the weekends we have some constraints, it’s not like we can just resume normal life entirely. And all these things are okay. I like my job. It’s tough but it’s good. What does suffering produce? Perseverance. And what does perseverance produce? Hope that does not fail us. I’ve reached the realization of perseverance at this point but I’m still working towards hope.
Let me take a moment to explain a bit about what I’m doing. For those who are just looking for ways to waste their lives away on the Internet, check out youthworks.com. For others who just want a quick description, I work for YouthWorks!, inc. and they are a missions organization that exists to provide Christ-centered, transformational mission experiences for teenagers. I am the Site Director for their new Kansas City site. We are located in Westport, the Volker neighborhood at a wonderfully hospitable (as evidenced by the pastor letting us use their house) Lutheran church. Each Sunday evening 50-75 youth show up and we keep them until Friday morning doing service type projects, worshiping, eating, sleeping, and seeing various parts of the city. Some of the places we send them are Kansas City Rescue Mission, Northland Neighborhoods, Metro Lutheran Services, Catholic Charities, Operation Breakthrough, Mission Adelante, Clara Manor Nursing Home, Harvesters, Kansas City Community Gardens, and others. Ask if you have more questions about what we do. Now back to my story.
On May 24th I ran a marathon. I felt on top of the world. Moving to a new place (I love traveling and the idea of new starts) and starting a new job had me very excited but at the same time a bit mournful of loosing the community I had built up while attending grad school in Wheaton, IL. I had not expected to grow so close to so many people in such a short time. But the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And this was one of those times. Running the marathon seemed to be proving to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to. Originally I had seen running distance as something I could only accomplish through the aid of God. I didn’t think I would ever have the strength to complete such a thing on my own and during all my training runs I heavily relied on prayer and meditation on the supplication of God but during the marathon no such meditation took place. I ran all 26.2 of those miles by my own determination. I couldn’t focus on God with all those people running around me. I had a couple wonderful conversations along the way that were the main source of my fuel. And afterwards I felt better that if I had just run 9 or 10 miles. I was still jumping around. I could have turned around and run another ½ marathon at least. It was a wonderful feeling of power and accomplishment. Except that I had done it all on my own and I realized that right away. And I wasn’t as ecstatic about my run because I couldn’t appreciate God’s companionship along the way. I couldn’t reflect on mile 8 when God showed me the bay and sent the breeze and whispered gently into my ear all the wonderful ways he created me and the beauty he created in this place. Instead all I remember is being bored and strong on my own.
At RAMP (the YouthWorks! training week in Minneapolis) I remember praying for death again and I know I have not written the promised blog about why I meditate on death and what that means to me but I’ll summarize that now. When I ran 15, 18, and 20 mile training runs I would meditate on death. Death of the sort that baptism represents as well as the death I survived during my bleak and painful high school years. I learned years ago that my life would have no significance if lived outside of the will of God. Though not knowing exactly what it would mean to live according to God’s will, I knew that I had to die to my whims, my desires, and my ambitions. Instead I had to learn what God desired of his followers. I had to learn what it would mean to allow God to transform me and begin the process of perfection. And as I figured bits of this out I learned that the life where I choose yes to God and no to my ambitions was so much more wonderful and exciting then I could have ever envisioned for myself. Years later I have learned to pray that I die so that Christ can live through my body, that I can more and more fully be a body that Christ uses in this world to spread love and peace and advance his kingdom. But it’s hard to live like that all the time. There are lots of times where I would rather just look out for myself and use my money the way I want to or my time the way that would be most comfortable for me. But I desire above anything else to be completely God’s instrument.
Back to RAMP, I was praying to be set back on this path of being God’s servant and all and was feeling myself slip more and more into selfish decisions and was very frustrated about where my mind was during the marathon. On Thursday morning I was reflecting on how I was leading my new staff team and wrote in my journal these words, “Lord, break me down. Teach me humility. I choose to die to myself and be a life for you today. Make my body your instrument of love and peace. Work your will through my life. Transform my staff and myself. Today I choose death. Show me how to live.” Before I move on to the next exciting part of the story I want to jump back to February or sometime around there. We were playing with sticky sticks or whatever they are called (colorful sticky wand-like things that you can affix to stuff) in my Holy Spirit and mission class and we were supposed to design them in a way that reflected the way we saw the Holy Spirit involved in our lives. I created a girl running and this wind like thing that was all around but never intersected with the running girl. Basically I described it as myself running both physically and metaphorically and not actually feeling God involved with any of it. In years past I have felt very close to God but since this fall while I Rio I have not had that close communion with God that I used to enjoy and even rely on.
Back to that day at RAMP. In a matter of hours after writing that prayer I found myself in a lot of pain. I went to the bathroom then couldn’t really stand up off the toilet. Somehow I pulled myself up along the wall and slowly pulled myself out of that awkward position into a more heavily trafficked room where I was spotted by a couple people digging a dinosaur out of a clay egg. So they sat in the hallway with me for a while digging the dino out and that kept me company while I tried to figure out what to do with my pathetic self. After a while I had an informal meeting with one of the regional directors about potential ministry sites. She witnessed this miserable situation and didn’t have a whole lot of advice to offer. So I called the parents and other trusted friends who knew of my previous back disaster day 4 in Rio de Janeiro. Basically the same thing happed there. Just couldn’t stand up any more. Hurt, a lot.
So I went to the hospital and God rendered me helpless for the next week or so. Couldn’t walk much, couldn’t lift nothin’, couldn’t really do my job. I felt pathetic, miserable, frustrated. Humbled. I began to see God intervening, answering my prayer. I am still acting very selfish in my leadership. I still don’t understand how I can be a servant leader in this position. I still am frustrated with my situation of helplessness. I can do more now but maybe I shouldn’t be doing as much as I am. I don’t really know what God is trying to teach me and so I’m figuring I’ll have more of these tough lessons to learn. This past Thursday I began hurting again after a couple of weeks of feeling nearly better. Today especially I’m having a hard time standing up again. So I don’t know what the rest of the summer will look like or what will happen after this summer if I make it that far all I know is what is right now. And this simple vision of the current moment may itself be a lesson of God’s.
Thanks for reading about my struggles and the lessons I’m struggling to learn. I think I’m going to go enjoy some pizzookie with my team. Pizzookie for you who don’t know is like a pizza cookie with cookie dough cooked about five minutes and a pint of ice cream on top. Today’s flavors are Snickerdoodle cookie dough with Blue Bell Moo-llineum crunch on top. Yum… I think that’s enough of my thoughts for now. Thanks for reading all two of you who make it to the end. Leave some love.

Searching

I realize a new chapter in my life of genuinely searching for God perhaps initiated or instigated by higher education and frequent travel with exposure to true beauty and rich truth. I have been in contact with both evil and love. I now desire to possess the truth of these events. I want to find God. I will search this world to its farthest reaches not strictly for the pleasure in travel but to experience the faces of God. I will continue to consume books that use intellectualism to reflect and point toward Christ. And in the end I expect to make a full circle and realize the great paradox that perhaps I encountered God far away, still He has been making himself known to me from the very beginning, I didn't have to leave the room I inhabit to encounter God.

I'm in a theology class that feels more like a philosophy class at times. We have answered the question of the meaning of life. We ask why shall we strive to succeed. Also we redefined freedom in terms that I'm struggling to make peace with.

All this to say, I'm about to begin a search of where the Church of Christ developed their theology from. Unfortunately I feel like I am offending or dishonoring my great grandfather by going on this journey to undermine his beliefs. And it's not that simple, he has spent his life shepherding his family to be Christians but in this 'denomination' a person cannot belong to another flock and still be true and unfortunately they (the great grandparents) take that seriously. Anyway, I just got a call that he had a heart attack and is in the hospital. I'm really glad that I got to see him again this last week and I really want to see him again but I know he has given up on life. He is content with the life he has lived and doesn't want to live by medicine.

Transition

Sometimes when I drive late at night when the light pollution casts almost indistinguishable shadows on the trees I pretend they are mountains. And I play Death Cab "Someday You Will be Loved" and am reminded that I'm in a transitional place in life. I begin to realize that I'm fooling myself if I try to put deeper roots in the place I'm at now. And I wonder why I've longed for so long to escape the place of stability and the place where I am known most fully. Where will my roots eventually set? What am I running from? And why do I now desire so deeply a sense of stability?

That's all.

What does the Bible really say?

Okay, so here's this awful idea (I already know it's awful). I was just thinking about why I think the way I do which we all know is intricately tied to worldview, culture, and paradigms whatever but how do we break free from that and is there anyway to read scripture from any lenses from our own current ones? I know about exegesis and historians trying to reimagine the first century worldview and all. But what about if I don't think that's enough. What if I am so entwined with this US post-modern or post-christian, position of privilege, and other labels that I know I'm not able to see the Bible completely bias-free. What I really want to do is somehow ignore all I have been indoctrinated by through Sunday school and other formats and just feast on Scripture to see what emerges. I want to read the Bible like a book from the library that I pick up on a whim without any expectations. But that's not going to happen. But actually, I'm going through a bit of a detox from all previous experiences with church and that has been very rewarding. I've asked some questions about what should church be and that has now naturally lead to asking stuff about theology. I want to start fresh with scripture. I want to sit in a cell in an ancient monetary for a few months with a bible and an hour a day to talk and discuss what God is revealing. But instead I'm in classes about culture with the expectation that we already know what God's message is and just need to be equipped in communicating.

Called...

Did you ever wonder how we got "here"? I'm not meaning this in the profound origination sort of way but in the since of this very moment to this very place. I was at Caribou yesterday drinking an iced americano at the big table in the back watching the people and stuff while reading "Not for Sale" and then a friend shows up and he and one of his friends sit down. We get to talking instead of letting them study philosophy. My friend's friend is a catholic studying at Wheaton before going to siminary to become a priest. I asked him why he's at Wheaton and he didn't have an answer. We were a table of three wheaton misfits. Landon, didn't belong there but at least the more recent circumstances make some since (his pa being a prof and all) but the sequence of events before living in Wheaton are miraculous to say the least. This catholic friend was quite incredible but Wheaton really doesn't seem to understand the Catholic tradition very well so I can't imagine how he gets along from day to day. And myself, I'm here because I was told to proceed one step at a time and I looked up after a while and here I was. Most of the time I don't think this education is worth it but the time I'm having up here is meaningful for other reasons.

How did we get here?

I remember a year ago I was interviewing and applying for two different things. Both included a master's degree and roughly covered a two year time frame. I walked into the Psychology Dept. Chair's office and sat down with some heavy issues. I needed advise with a deeply personal issue from my past and also some direction to help me esape the paralysis of these two converging options. Neither of which was right or wrong. Both would be useful and would glorify God. Why do we let two equally valid options paralyze us? Or maybe it is just me.
In class today we discussed "calling." What does it mean to be called? Are we all called? Ephesians 4:1 won the day. I opened also to Isaiah 30:21 (I think this is the right reference) the one about either turn to the left or the right and behind you will be the voice, this is the way, walk in it. We are a chosen people called and set apart to be a people of God. Going back to Hesid or covenental relationship. I'm not trying to say there are no right and wrongs but by trying to elevate one vocation above another we have ignored our collective calling to be a people of God. We try to separate the sacred from the secular rather than realize it is all from God.
Where am I trying to go with this?
I think I need a picnic with the creator. I need to recognize the beauty in all things and also return to the relationship element of service.
There was one boy in my class today. He described a beautiful image of God in fellowship with us. He said that God sits with us and says child what do you want to do with me?
We are called to be a people of God, set free to radiate light in a broken world.

God sits with you on a red and white checkered cloth on a perfectly manicured bug-free hill in Ireland and askes you, His beloved child what you want to do Together. What will you say?

Moments of Conversion: the forgotten episode

Wilderness Trek

This morning I was sitting in the dungeon (basement) working on my thesis for a paper that is now due in less than 12 hours when a song came on my iTunes that I had not heard in several years. This song took me back to a week at the end of July 2001. It was the summer between jr. and sr. high school. So this week in July I had fought tooth and nail for. It was a backpacking expedition headquartered in Salida, CO. A Christian organization and my youth group was giving it a try. My family was against me going off and doing this thing. I was determined to raise all my own money so they wouldn't have any right (when does a parent of a 15 year old not have any "right" to say what the child can and cannot do?) to tell me I couldn't go. So anyway, I fought and went. This was probably the darkest most down and miserable I have ever been. Call it depression or whatever you want but I was bad. I had friends getting me into things I didn't need to be into and the works. So when we got to Salida and breathed in the mountain air, slept by the stream, picked up our packs and set ourselves determined to summit in the course of a few days I was really hopeful that God would speak into the desolateness of my heart and mind.
We couldn't take along cd players which was torture for me. Absolute torture. I was the youngest one on the trip and one of only four women. I was not in perfect shape. I was small and my pack was heavy. The mountain was substantial and more defined elevation gain valley to peak then even Elbert (so I was told). We set out to climb Mt. Arkansas near Leadville, Co.
A song was in my mind the whole time I was climbing. It was a great encouragement as well as a bit annoying. Why was it this song? The day before the summit climb we spent half the day in total solitude. Some spent it praying, some reading scripture, some resting, some walking through nature, I wrote out the words to the song and cried out to God from my dark situation and asked why.
As I was talking with someone today I realized that I am still asking why. There is so much I don't know. But I am not content sitting around waiting for the answers. I don't think they are as important as the action of trying to correct the mess we have made. I want to be contemplative and patient. I want to wait on God. But my heart breaks because there are concrete steps we can take to make life better for someone all the time. Why the suffering? Why the despair? Lord I want to be content spending half my day crying out to you on behalf of the oppressed and the other half actively fighting for their liberation.
The trek was awesome. Shortly after we summited at 13, 795' and signed the register a cloud rolled over and we had to skri down before the storm hit. Just after we made it back to high camp we turned to see a rainbow over the peak we just hit and were able to actually see both ends of the rainbow. It was beautiful. Then it rained until night. Such an incredible week of climbing. Read on to discover the song that haunted me during this week of heavy spiritual warfare in my life.

"Love Song" Third Day
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of Calvary

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'll give anything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I'll do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give everything
I would give my life away.

(Bridge) I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I'd give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Chorus:
Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Quasi Blizzard

Today it snowed.
They didn't plow or salt and the drifts actually drifted.
This weekend I went cross-country skiing.

I'm been doing that thing where you can take a step back from your life (just in the mind) and I'm living a dream for real. Who really gets to do this stuff? Who gets to work a job they actually like? I chose to go to work today three and a half hours early today. Who gets to travel every weekend at least as far as another time zone? Who gets to play as much as I do? Tonight we put on the snow pants and did somersaults off the road into the ditch. Who has a master's degree at such a young age?

My life is not anything I would have picked on my own volition, it's so much better.

Why did God give me these parents? Why did he chose for me to be born in Lubbock? Why did God put me in a situation where I could (almost) afford higher education? All these things we either take for granted or never consider the alternative. Part of me wants to reject the privilege I've been born into but that would be like rejecting God's sovereignty. Why, why, why?

Enough wondering for one night. It's late. Past my bedtime.
Oh, update on health. No signs of malnutrition in four days. I'm eating fatty sugary things for a little while and taking a vitamin. A little science and a lot of prayer seems to be taking care of the physical issues while I still wrestle through the spiritual issues that were brought to surface in this experience.